I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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