Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
