Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
