my mouth tastes like poor choices
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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