Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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