sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
