Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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