Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
my poor anus
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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