He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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