Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
