Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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