Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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