she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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