Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
