I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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