Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
