Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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