sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
