my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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