I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize