I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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