thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
