I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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