it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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