A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i think i have two assholes
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I wear drunk well.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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