I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
