college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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