Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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