Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
