I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
