What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize