I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
