saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize