I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
