When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
