Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
