dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
