I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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