we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
