He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize