twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
