dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
