she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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