Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize