I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
