i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
