I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Oh god it's open bar.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
