his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
