it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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