Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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