best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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