Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
