If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
