I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
