im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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