hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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